I have been having quite an unhealthy last couple of months. Perhaps it's due to the job change, I don't really know. But I can tell you that getting chicken pox as an adult is no fun at all. Sure you get 2 weeks of MC but the pain of the bubbles growing all over your body and the constant fear of accidentally bursting them hence leaving a scar - no fun at all.
My life's pretty much in shambles recently. Unfortunately I can't type it all out here for fear of the repercussions should someone who shouldn't be reading it sees the entry. What I can say is aside from the misery of having the pox, I am currently in a realm of uncertainty, doubt and fear. Not a nice place to be in at all.
The mind speaks to me and my auto recollect reminds me of the indecisiveness, the deception and the pain caused before. The hurt inflicted like a slap to the face. Even without much invested, it was still sore and blistering. And then the heart snaps shut, as if refusing to feel all of that and pulls out another drawer, the memories of laughter, happiness, and sheer bliss. As I relish in the feelings of joy, peace and contentment, a strong emotion fills my body telling me that I can't give up. I have to fight.
Honestly I have no idea if this is a losing battle and the uncertainty scares me. With each passing day, I feel the distance building, it's almost as if a wall is forming, higher and higher and soon it will become impenetrable. It's just not within my grasp. The influencing factors are like the weather, external elements beyond my control. I try to reason and forecast but a man's mind is sometimes ruled by that boyish heart.
So now I wait and I pray that clarity would soon show her face and perhaps I will return to grace amongst the clouds. To flit and float in the now-lost heaven except this time, it will not slip away but be for all eternity.
-germaine-
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